Falling Apart Internally

Falling apart internally

Like a procrastinated high dive.

And my fear of heights extends to a rail

that isn’t there.

A spotter that life didn’t extend to me this time.

And so my arms keep an unsettled balanced sway,

While my eyes open in anticipation.

I’m surveying the dread. Creating and perpetuating

My pounding ache inside

This chest that I will need to breath

Adequately on the soon descend.

And yet, spectators can not spectate on their phones.

Is anyone watching me?

Drown?

 

Will I forget to swim to breath, to come back up?

Side stroke left or right?

Is such a choice, intentionally or subconsciously decided on?

Will I choose wrong in the mental state of what ifs and what not?

My walk is slowed.

 

I didn’t choose this dive at all.

I awoke from a dream instead.

Standing and walking towards the edge.

With pretend assurance and self confidence

That will surely crumble in indecision.

I have decided so.

 

Intentionally or subconsciously?

I sit half way.

Balance and dangle my legs.

Rest my chest unflatteringly on the blue,

Rough aluminum board in front.

It teeters slightly,

But I am too pleased with its width and welcome

to notice.

You almost had me.

I almost jumped from and into an unknown descend.

Not this time.

 

As the poolside loiterers stop to look at me,

I am relieved.

No one gossips about indecision.

There is nothing I need to say that they could hear

And understand from here.

I neither pull back like a coward or prance

Forward in oblivion.

I am okay.

 

I’m alright.

Awkwardly enough, I like it here.

And in my contentment, I turn to rest my cheek.

“Stalemate but not defeated” my words will one day read.

 

My heart regains a rhythm.

My breaths strained, now even.

I fall asleep to the teetering

And awake sleep walking on a cold blue board.

Flushed in anticipation.

I begin to follow my thoughtless feet.

Is anyone watching me?

Drown?

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